|Things that shouldn't amuse me.
Okay, the name's a little misleading. As you're probably expecting a list about little
kids falling or horses committing suicide in the Ring. But these are things out of my
life, that cause me great amusement and/or regret.
1. When a beautiful girl says, "Well, I'm a girl and you're a guy, what could we do to
keep ourselves entertained?" As funny as it may be, "Play chess," is not the
2. If someone gets a paper cut on their finger, and you say "Well, that's okay, you
have nine more." Make sure they have all ten of their appendages.
3. When someone is insistent they are looking for the Handicapable parking
spaces, do not stare blankly and then reply "Oh, you mean handicapped parking."
4. When someone named Robert is being cremated, do not invite people to the
"Bob-b-que" and I said that before Bob Evens started theirs. And the person who I
said it to thought it was hilarious.
5. When discussing heights of grandparents, your response should not be "My
grandmother's six feet...under."
6. We had a midget count at one of my places of employment, we kept track of
how many midgets actually came in. There were 3 in a six month period.
7. I once wondered why there's not a place to rent books like there's a place to
rent videos. It took me a few seconds to remember the library.
8. It took me a minute to find my refrigerator one time because after a lengthy exile
from the kitchen for remodeling purposes, it was finally put back into it's proper
home. I than bitched to myself that I would have to take two extra steps to get to my
beverage of choice.
9. When they were taking the 2000 census, my roommate at the time and I had
two elderly census takers visit us. We lived in a house that the front steps were
dangerous and dilapidated, so when I was kind enough to offer to help the elderly
woman down the steps, I hear my roommate scream, "Feel free to grope him on
the way down." The elderly woman said, "At my age, I'd be glad too."
10. I used to watch Saved by the Bell, but would play epic soundtracks like
Gladiator or anything by John Williams in the background. It made run ins with Mr.
Belding much more emotionally charged.
11. In seventh grade, the teacher was looking for pom poms to borrow.
Remembering my sister had them, I excitedly raised my hand. It took me a while to
figure out why the class was laughing that a boy had pom poms.
12. A friend asked if I ever had even a little homosexual experience. I responded,
"What, like a midget?"
13. How it's made. That show on the discovery channel should not amuse me. Yet
if I turn it on, I can't stop watching. It's like the frog hypnosis thing on Futurama.
14. The Billy Mays/Michael Jackson jokes.
15. My dog urinating on other dogs. I know I should discourage it, but it's hard
when I'm laughing so hard because he turns to get them right in the face.
16. Seriously, right in the face. It's normally the first time he meets them too. It's
why it makes the list twice. I'm equally glad people don't greet other people that
17. Elderly woman swearing. Something about Betty White saying C-Sucker in
Lake Placid still amuses me after all these years.