1. My girlfriend's fatter than Jabba and older than Yoda. 2.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the lost city of Atlantis is in one of her butt dimples. 3.My girlfriend's so fat and old that God had to spend two days creating animals because she ate the first batch. 4.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was called the 14th colony. 5.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she ate the dinosaurs and that's why they're extinct. 6.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her turds created Pangea. 7.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her ass crack got mistaken for a fault line. 8. My girlfriend's so fat and old that Jesus wouldn't invite her to the last supper because he knew that she wouldn't leave any buffalo chicken wings for anyone else. 9.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her second chin was declared a national landmark. 10. My girlfriend's so fat and old that she'd go out with me. 11.My girlfriend's so fat and old that roman numerals never had a letter to represent her weight.My girlfriends so fat and old that she's the reason there's a reason there's a Caesar Salad. She ate the Caesar's pork chops, the Caesar's hot wings, the Caesar's cheese steak, the Caesar's chocolate chip cookie until the only thing left was the salad that she wouldn't even touch. 12.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she ate the rest of the pig from the first football. 13.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was the one who sang to end the civil war. 14.My girlfriend's so fat and old that P.T. Barnum himself rented out her arm flab for a tent. 15.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the people living on her breast can't get home owners insurance because they've been declared seismic. 16.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her doing jumping jacks caused Pangea to divide. 17.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was mistaken for one of Hannibal's elephants. 18.My girlfriend's so fat and old she's 13 and weighs 45 pounds. 19.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was 100,100-875,231 served on the McDonald's sign. 20.My girlfriend's so fat and old the first suspension bridge was tested on her ass crack. 21.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was the first nose tackle in the National Football League. 22.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her lighting a fart caused the great Chicago fire. 23.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Mama Cass is her baby sister.* 24.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Methuselah hit on her because he "likes them thick." 25.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Buddha rubbed her belly for good luck.* 26.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she loosened her belt at the first Thanksgiving. 27.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she has serious medical problems. 28.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her left butt cheek is still considered part of the confederacy. 29.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the Egyptians couldn't mummify her because they ran out of wrap. 30.My girlfriend's so fat and old that they rolled her in front of the tomb Jesus was buried in. 31.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Halloween started because she'd go house to house turning tricks for treats. She was thin before she started. 32.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the prototype for the wheel was based on her hip line. 33.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Jesus had to do three nights of fish and loaves so he could feed her.* 34.My girlfriend's so fat and old that God made the horizon after her waste line.* 35.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the primordial ooze was formed in her belly button. 36.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the Golden Gate Bridge is one of her belts. 37.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the War of 1812 was the amount of weight she wanted to lose. 38.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was a life raft for the Titanic. 39.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Anne Frank hid in her fat folds. 40.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the little old lady lived in her shoe off of my girlfriend's toe jam.* 41.My girlfriend's so fat and old that mirrors were invented so she could see her shoes. 42.My girlfriend's so fat and old that one pair of her underwear were used for the Nina, Pinta and Santa Marie. 43.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she's the planet Mars. That's right. I'm dating a planet. Don't tell anyone though. Saturn will find out and she's wearing my ring. 44.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Noah wouldn't let her on the ark she had to float behind it.* 45.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she created Salt Lake from her back sweat. 46.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she roasted the original golden calf on a spit, then she ate it whole. 47.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she's not allowed to buy Playboy, let alone be in it. 48.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her first period caused the river to flow red with blood.* 49.My girlfriend's so fat and old that scientist are testing a theory that the big bang occurred when she belly flopped into the Howard Johnson's swimming pool in 1957. 50.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she's the reason there's a Three Musketeer's bar. There were dozens of musketeers, but she ate the rest of them. 51.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she sat on Rome and that's why it came to fall. * 52.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was offered as proof that the world was flat. 53.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the name the "Dark Ages" was applied to the centuries it took for her to finish wiping. 54.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Da Vinci was going to use her as the model for Mona Lisa, but he ran out of paint before he started her second chin. 55.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she caused the Great Flood when she peed after a giant Slur-pee.* 56.My girlfriend's so fat and old the at the Arch is a replica of her pinkie toe nail that she bit off.* 57.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her wooden shoes were reused by the vikings as their longboats. 58.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Bill and Ted were going to take her instead of Joan of Arc, but she wouldn't fit in the phone booth. 59.My girlfriend's so fat and old that they made the first piano crate from her coffin. Oh, yeah, and my girlfriends dead too. 60.My girlfriend's so fat and old that the Mayan prophecies are based on skid marks in her underthings. 61.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her skin is still shaking from the great earthquake in 1908. 62.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was cast as Lois Lane in the '50s tv show of Superman. The test audience believed the alien from another planet with the ability to fly, the heat vision, the freeze breath, the x-ray vision, the super strength, but scoffed at his ability to lift my girlfriend. 63.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she dated the Twinkie's cowboy before he was legal. 64.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she starred in "A Trip to the Moon." She was the moon. 65.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her outhouse was a barn. 66.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Abner Doubleday used her stomach for the first baseball game. The reason there's a pitchers mound is because she's an outtie. 67.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she inspired Pavlov's work. 68.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her gluttony doesn't count as a sin because she's "grandfathered" in. 69.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her cankles are considered one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. 70.My girlfriend's so fat and old that before cars were invented she got the nickname "straw" because she broke so many camel's backs. 71.My girlfriend's so fat and old that her first birthday cake was the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. She ate the whole thing in one night. 72.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she was Paul Revere's back-up plan if the British attacked during the day. She'd give one giant-ass milk shake to bring the boys to the yard if they attacked by land. And two giant-ass milk shakes to bring the boys to the yard if by sea. 73.My girlfriend's so fat and old that they invented paper so she could have food to go. 74.My girlfriend's so fat and old that she didn't die from the plague because she ate it. 75.My girlfriend's so fat and old that Ayres rock is actually her first stool. |
About my imaginary Girlfriend and why she's imaginary... or My girlfriend is so fat and old... |