Pick up lines that may work
on the non-judgemental and
hard of hearing.
  1. You're as beautiful as the holocaust was ugly.
  2. You must have beautiful penmanship because your "eyes" are
  3. I believe in a separation of church and state, if your left leg is
    church and your right leg is state.
  4. Can you put a dollar amount on your decency and if so, how much?
  5. How 'bout we skip straight to the regret?
  6. Damn, you are ten kinds of sexy.
  7. When I stare into your eyes, all I can think of is staring at your
  8. I would wait at least an hour till I farted in front of you.
  9. What's your name, so I know who to drunk dial six months from
  10. So, are there any tall bushes around your house?
  11. If you were any prettier, you'd already have a restraining order
    against me.
  12. What's your favorite romantic movie, mine's Hostel.
  13. Have you got a little captain in you? (only work's if you are a
  14. You know, you could be making out with the webmaster of the site
    that is number one on google searches for sheep puns.
  15. I'm not sure if I have erectile disfunction, could you help me find
  16. I would do so many things to you if we were both naked, and you
    were tied up and/or drugged.
  17. You remind me of my therapist.
  18. You're really hot now, but you'd just look better as a corpse. That's
    all I'm saying. And not like the kind of corpse that is covered in
    worms, more like the fresh kind, not the too fresh kind, like at least
    twenty-four hours, maybe even thirty-six.
  19. Looking at you makes me want to quit smoking, so I can live long
    enough to be rejected by you when I'm sixty.
  20. Legal???
  21. I'd love to study your DNA, so why don't you remove those jeans?
  22. This is weird, I'm sober.
  23. I lost some blood, can I have yours? *
  24. If you were an Indian, I'd scalp you last.*
  25. Well, I think there IS enough alcohol in this bar.
  26. You're like the hooker of my dreams, but maybe you won't reject
  27. How'd you like to go out with a good looking man who has a steady
    income, is mentally stable, is great in the sack and cares a lot
    about you? Now, how would you like to deal with reality?
  28. I'm not an 83-year woman.
  29. I'm like pizza: hot, steamy, I deliver in thirty minutes or less. And I
    come in a card board box.
  30. You're smart, clever and have a wonderful imagination. So why
    don't you imagine I'm someone who's smart and clever enough for
  31. You look as good as a bowl of mashed taters on an April morn.
  32. I have two hands, you have two breasts. Coincidence? (can be     
    adapted for people with one hand as long as hitting on someone
    with one breast, or five breast if you change two to five and hands
    to fingers.)
  33. So are you that special kind of crazy? Crazy enough to go out with
    me, but sane enough to not think that you're Martha Washington.
  34. You're hotter than someone chained down, dowsed with jet fuel, lit
    on fire, carried to space on the back of a rocket, then dropped to
    burn in the atmosphere, that lands on a flaming hot barbecue pit in
    the middle of a wild fire, but where the real bitch is the humidity.
  35. So, if you get high, will your standards get low?
  36. Wow, someone call heaven, because an angel escaped and backed
    over your face with a pickup (this probably will not work).
  37. If you were a horse and you broke you're leg, I don't think I'd be
    able to kill you. I'd try, but you're just too pretty. But then, if you
    were a horse you wouldn't be that pretty. I mean, maybe to other
    horses, just not to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't
    have sex with horses, can I have your number?
  38. So what sign of the whore-o-scope are you?
  39. Would you rather be crying to yourself tonight that you're all alone,
    or crying to me that you're all alone?
  40. You can keep your standards or lose your dignity, I don't see the
  41. I can correct all your mistakes about Star Wars and superheroes.
  42. Can I buy you a drink or drinks? All the tap water you want.
  43. I'll put up with your shit, if you put up with mine.
  44. The second I saw you, my right hand started trembling. I think it's
    afraid you're going to take its job.
  45. You're not fat. You're crazy, manipulative and evil. But I swear
    you're not fat.
  46. The chicken crossed the road to get to you.
  47. You're as beautiful as a fire, a nice, hot fire. With the flames slowly
    and uncontrollably dancing in a pantheon of anarchy and
    destruction devouring anything standing in its way. Do you have a
  48. Springs almost here, do you need a new doormat?
  49. I'm looking for a meaningful relationship. Do you have any hot
  50. With unemployment in this country it would be irresponsible of you
    to not create jobs. A hand job or a blow job would do.
  51. You must be a transformer, because you are more then meets the
    eye. *
  52. I'd have sex with a goat if it meant I could have sex with you. I'd
    rather have sex with the goat first, but I could understand if you'd
    want to go first. But then, to be honest, I probably wouldn't have
    sex with the goat, even if it was a hot goat. I guess I'd rather be a
    welcher than a goat-fucker. And if you don't understand that, then I
    guess I don't understand you.
  53. You are as beautiful as you are insane. And you are fucking crazy.
  54. I guess you can't be a card deck in Vegas because you are stacked.
  55. You must be glad George Bush is out of office because you have a
  56. You know before you are fulfilled, you have to hit rock bottom. I'm
    your first step to fulfillment.
  57. There are two types of people in the world: the kind that accepts
    me and the kind that sleeps easy at night.
  58. Ass, check. Boobs, check. Brains, bonus.
  59. For the record, I'm clever. I may not be funny, intelligent or
    attractive, but clever pays the bills, honey.
  60. Your definitely hot enough to be a cheerleader for professional
    football, and get with any player, but not one of those players
    would understand the greatness of Dermontti Dawson.
  61. Wanna Fuck?
  62. We could go through the whole romantic dinner, a dozen red roses,
    countless showings of my affection, or I could give you a cash
    donation for the same amount, and then I could claim it on my
    taxes; we get to the end result. It sounds win, win to me.
  63. I could change my last name to Unk, and suddenly I'm a Dr.
  64. You only scare me in the way that you can completely destroy me
    and make me a quivering mass of nothing. I don't think that should
    come between us.
  65. You even look hot when you're putting your dog's poop in a plastic
    bag. You don't look better than you normally do. But you would to
    someone who has a fetish for that sort of thing, but I'm not that
    crazy. What are going to do with that bag of poop? Cause if you're
    not using it, I could use it for something.
  66. I love the way you walk, it's like poetry in motion. Poetry moving
    away from me as quickly as poetry can run.
  67. If you're looking for the master of the uncomfortable stare and the awkward
    silence, you have found your man.
  68. Said to military cadence:
 I like boobies
 I like boobies

 sound off
 sound off

  I like asses
 I'll squeeze yours

 sound off
 sound off
69. Your hair is beautiful, but anytime you want it back, just let me       
70. You must be tired, you've been running through my mind all day. I
mean, where were you going? You just kept running, then you stepped
in dog shit and said, it happens. Oh, wait, that wasn't you. I was
thinking of Forrest Gump. You might look good in a white suit though.
71. You're the perfect size to fit in my trunk.
72. We'd be perfect together if you'd only shut the fuck up.
73. Your beauty is only surpassed by your brains. (works better for
74. You remind me of Sloth from the Goonies, not the way you look. It's
just you're so friendly. (really no coming back from that one).
75. Your clothes look great, they'd look better crumpled up in a pile next
to my bed. Well, actually, go ahead and throw those in the washer, they
smell nasty. Also, go ahead and do my laundry too bitch.
76. You could be Princess Peach to my Mario.
77. Ever watch Saw in slow motion?
78. Your dowry would be 15 live chickens easy.
79. I'll stop undressing you with my eyes, it's easier to use my hands
80. You look really good with some weight on you.
81. You are illustrious, beautiful, radiant, gorgeous, and the reason I
own a thesaurus.
82. I would stare at you the way I stare at Gilligan's Island on the
television set.
83. I can't compare apples to oranges but I can compare your boobs to
84. Duct tape is under a dollar, that's all I'm sayin'.
85. You're built like a brick house, the only thing missing is the roofie.
86. You're as clever as the lucky charms leprachaun, as enthusiastic as
Tony the Tiger, as determined as the Twix rabbit, as inspiring as Cap'n
Crunch, as witty as Toucan Sam, but I will not stand for you calling me
87. I can make an oragami rock.
88. You'd be really pretty for a porn star.
89.You make me harder than understanding quantum physics.
90.I'm hung like a horse. A my little pony doll is a horse, right?
91.I'd love to awkwardly fondle your ample bosoms and then go for a
92.I'll make you wet, if you stand under me while I cry.
93. Your breast look like two beautifully tied bags of cotton candy. Your
ass looks like two perfectly made candy apples. Never mind, I'm not
horny, I just want to go to a carnival. Funnel cakes, yay!
94. Are your legs made by Sony? Because I would wear them around my
ears like a pair of headphones.