One fateful day months ago, I decided I wanted to improve my website. Unfortunately my technically
knowledge was not in line with my ambitions. Rather then adding message boards and the like, I immediately
created the inability for me to update it, or for any one else to view it. Some may see that as a massive
improvement. I have tried off and on, mostly off to figure out how to restore this website to the behemoth
(behemoth means something so small no one actually sees it, right?) that it once was. But trying to figure out
relatively simple things sometimes fails me completely. In retrospect, my analogy is trying to rewire the house
to change a light bulb. So I'm back, still wanting to add some way for readers to comment after each list, but
will wait until I learn how to add that function.
I am also now the proud owner of a dog. His name is Cole and he's the best dog in the world. He can speak in
six different languages, he doesn't. I've never heard it, or know of any proof. In fact, he rarely barks, but I'm
assuming it's just because he doesn't have much to say. As soon as he finishes his thesis on the
decomposition of black matter in an ever expanding universe, he'll speak a lot. Probably to the point I find him
There's a whole bunch of updates on the lists. But really, it's been so long since this was up, it will
almost all feel new anyway.
I'm glad there's not an ass-flu. Donkey's have a hard enough time getting a good reputation as it is. Actually, I
needed a place to rant my theory on this debilitating horrible swine flu, the latest rage of the paranoia seeking
masses. I think it could help the economy. First, I haven't heard how bad the economy is since it started to hit.
Second, think of the medicine, germ-x, face mask, rubber gloves, newspapers, doctor's visits, etc. that are
adding spending to the economy. There's probably a third reason, but I won't get into that, because it's more
flawed than my first two. Now, I don't think that it was planted or invented or anything like that. But if there's one
guy who controls all media, I think he's making sure that this story is much more prominent than it needs to be.
Also, if there is one guy who controls all media, please make sure they don't cancel Dollhouse. And bring
back Firefly. Thank you.
Hello small world that listens to me. My taxes are due today and I have yet to hear from the peeps that are
making sure I did them correctly when I was drunk yesterday. To pass the time, I updated my site some and
took care of a "missing" dog. When I called about the missing dog and gave them the nine digit code, they
could tell me whether it was neutered or not. All the more reason my actual name doesn't appear on this
UPDATE-ways to improve What Women Want has expanded to improve other movies as well.
Looking at the first few sentences seem like a plethora of broken promises. It is. I won't lie. But being guided
by the Steeler's coach, I should under-promise and over deliver. All that said, I just hope anyone reading this
had a very good zombie Jesus day.
Update-Two new lists. Find 'em for fun.
Okay, so, I've been dicking around with this web page enough. It might sound like goodbye, but it's a whole
new hello. I have plans people. And now I have people who will back my plans. And the people who back my
plans have people. They better, or their lying asses will be out of my life. J/K. Don't know why there's the
random J.K. Simmons reference. So here's the thing, you may or may not have read my crap. But I have a
really good idea for a podcast. This is your chance to "discover" something. I felt special because I only
watched Tracy Ullman for the Simpson's. I'm not kidding. Don't ask my Mom, she'll corroborate my story, but
it's creepy you talking to my mom and all. But coming soon on this website there will be links to podcasts.
Ramblings with me and others and it will be good. You don't need to believe that's good now, but believe we'll
do everything we can do to make it good. Believe that I've wanted a talk show since I was nine and now it's
only 30 duckets a month to make something really similar happen. And believe if you ever want to be on the
ground floor of something, be on the ground floor of this. Because when this hits, and you turn against me,
you'll look like a fucking hero. I hope to sell out ASAP. If you pass this up, you're passing up tons on message
board fodder. And if you pass all this up, you haven't figured out the name of this website.
UPDATE-More pickup lines. Uno more clicheo. And soon, soooooonnnn a podcast. In the words of
Bob Costas, "you think you're excited, feel these nipples."
Hello to anyone who randomly stumbled across my site. It seems like I randomly update it so we'll get along
fine. As with anything, I'm trying to constantly renew my commitment and failing. But I would like to grow this
site, because, well, it's a creative outlet and I have little else to do. Although, actually, I have a lot to do, but I
enjoy this. And because when I do make my movie, sometime within the next two years, sooner, rather than
later. Especially if my most current screenplay's going to develop as fast I think it will. So when I make that, I
hope some of you come along that journey, even if it's just for the support. Whoever you are that read my site
for moments, I appreciate you. And wish you would e-mail email@example.com.
Updates-a few more sheep puns and I never mentioned I put a list of how to take over the world up.
So if you've used it, congratulations my new master.
I'm glad I don't get paid by the update. Although, then at least I'd be paid. And I might update more often then
once a month. Hope I do better later. Go Steelers. It's a fact, there doesn't need to be a transition statement if
talking about one's favorite football team.
UPDATE-There's one new pickup line. But in more interesting news, two new lists are up. Horrible
Names for Self-Help Books and dirty anagrams, have fun unscrambling.
I missed updating this from before Thanksgiving. Wow. No wonder I didn't put dates on this before. I didn't
realize how long it had been. It's harder to procrastinate if you actually realize how long you're putting things
off. Merry Christmas to one and to and to all. Well, more like one, because that would represent my
readership. To build anticipation and force me to update the site. Tomorrow I'll post 100 steps to take over the
world under the lists sections. That is if I'm not caught up in Fable. But there's stuff to see before then.
UPDATE-It's on the multimedia page. No, don't get excited, it's still text. But a different form.
It depresses me in two years I'll have to go back to using two digits for the year in the date. I've been updating
without publishing, but I need to send a warning about Halloween to remember next year. Because they have
the warnings for the trick or treaters, but not the ones passing out the candy. Do not put on Nightmare on Elm
Street. It seems like a good idea, but when you're passing out the candy to a three year old dressed up and
excited in her costume, then as she's turning happily to show her parents the candy she received, the TV belts
out "GET BACK HERE YOU GOSH DARN ROOSTER SUCKER." (except it wasn't the edited version).
Needless to say, I immediately went to the far side of the room where I could not be seen by anyone at the
UPDATE-Wow, there's more photos on the photo page. I don't think pictures are going to catch on,
but some people disagree with me. There are two more list.
It's the day before Halloween. I haven't sent cards or anything. I just can't wait to see all the trick or treaters
face when they see I'm passing out name brand cigarettes this year. Yes, I'm kidding. There's no way I'm
springing for name brand. I haven't even got myself to one of those Halloween shops this year. Oh, well, at
least this way I won't be disappointed that the item I wanted didn't last till the clearance sale. Oh, and this may
be my last update for awhile till I get back online. I won't be gone for three years again though.
UPDATE-The red makes it seem far more important than it is. I added a lot to the list of clichés and a
few more pick up lines. #44 is how I think an honest marriage proposal would sound.
I still haven't received any e-mail, although I think the link on the home page was broken, so maybe that's why.
I've been watching the trailers for Zach and Miri make a Porno. It should be hilarious. It's from Kevin Smith,
and they seem to be down playing that. Although, I guess anyone who would go to see it simply because he
directed it, myself included, would already know he directed it.
As I slowly go through my downloading my music to my ipod, I wonder what it thinks of me. I mean,
somewhere between the opera music, the rap music, the death metal, the Buddy Holly, it has to think I'm out of
Update, not only an update, but more red. Anyway, there's another list up now.
There's been more traffic on this site this month then in the past year. It might be because I actually update it
and tell people about it. It might also have to do with the fancy red lettering in the updates. It adds interest.
Maybe that's why people don't stay for the credits of movies because they're not in red, so they don't get read.
Okay, it's probably because they don't have the same opportunities to walk past those responsible for things
in other forms of life. You don't see the names of every electrician that worked on a building as you walk by, so
you don't have the chance to ignore the. But maybe you wouldn't if it was in red.
I've wondered because the girls going for the bad boy thing is pretty much true. I mean, it's not universal,
there's always exceptions, but even some girls I know who have gone with nice guys have admitted they're
more attracted to the "bad guy." My question is "Is there a line"? At some point is somebody so bad they are
no longer attractive? There has to be, or Bin Laden would have been People's Sexiest Man alive at least
once. But I've even heard one or two women say certain serial killers are hot. Is it because a cult leader
doesn't actually do the dirty work? Or is there a limit to the amount of deaths that one causes till they are no
longer attractive? Is it a gradual curve?
Is this same curve on the corresponding graph for niceness. A regular nice guy may be unattractive, but
someone who brings medicine to the hungry and feeds the sick, do they gradually become more attractive
based on the good they do?
My third grade guidance counselor told my parents that my problem was I think too much. To this day, I have
no idea what he was talking about.
Updated-two new lists are up, some pick up lines were added, a few perpetual debates and one
new sheep pun that I'm embarrassed wasn't on it originally. And it's not often I get embarrassed
over sheep puns. No longer #1 on google.
So, I've come to the conclusion that blogging everyday will not happen for me. I've also just come to the
conclusion that I can list what list are updated on this little not a blog blog. But I've been unable to update
anything because my computer has been slow and making sure every cd I own gets on my new and very first
actual ipod has become an obsessive priority. So much so that I don't listen to the download as it's
"importing" (which is different from ripping), so that it can happen faster. So, in my quest to listen to music with
ease, I haven't been able to listen to music for several days. Also, I was thinking working on my site was
interfering, but it doesn't seem to be now. So go figure. I have two new lists I want to work on, so yay.
As the day goes on I come up with about fifty hilarious things to write in one I now must admit is a blog. If it
walks like a duck, floats like a duck, gets rendered in oil paintings like a duck, wears a sailor hat and a shirt
w/o pants like a duck, eh, you get the point. Anyway, each day as I choose to write one of the fifty hilarious
things, my mind goes blank. But I've found it hard to just not put something up here. I'll add to my lists or
something, but I feel the need to update this because the sites I visit tend to change something everyday. Of
course, most of them have something besides text. I am waiting for webster's to call me and tell me to slow
down before the words go on strike.
First, I think smoking works for me the way spinach works for Popeye. I struggled to get a coaxial cable off a
tv, went to my car to get a pair of pliers and grab a smoke. I was unable to find the pliers, so I returned to my
dilemma and tried one last time. I was able to turn it like it was nothing.
I've been hearing how baseball will suffer in later years because they start their games so late. Monday night
football supposedly lost some of it's appeal because of its late start. So how come no one says anything when
the debate for the presidency doesn't start 'till nine o'clock. I can't figure out why this has to be convenient for
the west coast. There's not gambling. There's no advantage that viewing it on tape delay vs. seeing it live
would hurt. I wouldn't even mind waiting a day to see it in the eastern time zone, but by the next day, it's
impossible to hear what the candidates said without hearing someone say what they should have said. It's
possible that would happen with a later west coast feed, but I think that the football game is going to beat the
analysis in the ratings war. And it's not like people have that much money riding on the debate. Not when they
can bet on the election.
So I've figured out why I'm not voting in this presidential election. In the end, it's like asking who I want to sign
the thank you card for the sodomy. Neither candidate's plan seems to promote long lasting stability. I'm
waiting for the next plan to be a pyramid scheme.
I'm continually updating the site, unfortunately, I can't get on the internet in order to share the updates. I'm
considering going house to house, but it sounds like way too much work. Besides, I've spent most of my life
writing things for only myself. Much like exercise, I forget how cathartic it really is. When I write, eat right and
exercise, I feel much better. For some reason, I can't seem to do these on a regular basis. It's like when I'm
happy or feel good, it's so unnatural that I need to destroy it. Sorry for the unusual candor. But as with most
stream of consciousness writing, you get the usual ebb and flow of the human condition. Hopefully tomorrow
this will be funnier and pun filled. Or at least funnier.
I have just a few random observations. One is I don't understand the little robot graphic that Fox uses before
and during football games. They were using this to promote baseball and it showed the robots picking up
balls from a bucket to hit them. In this computer generated reality where robots can pick up and throw balls,
shouldn't there be some other advancement besides them using a bucket of balls. I'm not sure why this
bothers me at all and can only assume my annoyance will be used as evidence in my eventual trip to the an
Another random observation, politicians should really stick to having their tag "this message approved by the
committee for re-electing approved committees" at the end of their commercials. It's been pretty well
established and now Obama has one at the beginning, which left me wondering momentarily why Obama
cared that there was a sale on sofas at a local furniture store.
I should definitely speak on politics because no where on this site is my name mentioned, so that means that
it should definitely be trusted. Obama is scary good at knowing the right answers. Also, if you watch the first
season of House, there's a patient who seems to be the premise for Obama. I'm going with a football analogy
here. Obama is that rookie running back, who was drafted with great promise. He says all the right things,
endears himself to fans and is going to turn the franchise around. But no one knows right now if he's the next
Marshall Faulk or the next Cedric Benson. McCain is Schottenheimer. He's the coach that I'm glad the
franchise picked up, but I'm really not sure if he's still got it in him to do what needs done. And I still have a
problem with stuff he could have done better. Honestly, as I watched the debates, I felt that these are two
people who will do what they believe will be in the best interest of the country. But if the experts aren't sure, I
know my trifling mind isn't going to be able to figure it out. Glenn Beck brought up a good point. He said that
the reason we're in this economic mess is because of easy money and government spending and the bailout
package relies on those two things. I have always been under the impression there's someone smarter than
me who's going to take care of these things, or at least let me know what I have to do. And I need something
more than stay informed because staying informed is way too complicated. The right wing says the news is
leftist and the left says the news is right wing slanted (neither can figure out why rightist just sounds wrong
while leftist sounds fine). At this moment, I would vote for Obama, but only because he hasn't had been around
long enough to make the mistakes McCain has. It's like knowing that George Lucas (the best editor there is)
and Steven Spielberg (the best visual director ever) will raise Indiana Jones to a new pedestal and manage to
make it good, without it being great. It's the dichotomy of being a Pittsburgh Pirates fan in a St. Louis
Cardinal's market, where a city would throw a parade if they sniff .500 to a city that is ready to expedite the
whole team for only being 10 games above .500. The most interesting question I heard during the debate was
what American's would be asked to sacrifice. I'm still waiting for the from the heart answer...
This is not an official web log. I still can't see myself having a "blog." I'm weird that way. And many other ways.
But if I put a date up there, maybe I'll actually update this once in a great while. (fast forward two weeks and I'll
have a blog portion on the top bar). Anyway, if you found this site, congrats. I'm working on it because 425
people visited this site in the last year and considering I haven't worked on it in three, I'm pretty excited.
Especially, considering 125 people found this site by looking for "sheep puns" on Google. But I am eternally
grateful to these people. They made my site #1 on google for sheep puns. With as shaky as the economy is, I
can sleep soundly at night knowing "sheep puns" will keep me knee deep in used DVD's and Ramen
My web site is way too text heavy. I'm trying to figure something out, but in the mean time, I had a conversation
today and heard news that I didn't understand. Both related to the decline of reading because print media is
struggling to find customers. I buy magazines and books still, but I fail to see how using the internet is not a
form of reading. Okay, so this is about as controversial as saying I'm against the ritual slaughter of four year
olds. But why hitting the print button seems to somehow add validity to reading or whatever is being read is
beyond me. The only thing I can think of is that it's relying on an artificial filter to take out the riff raff. But the
loud riff raff will still filter through, no matter the riff raff. Count the number of celebrity tabloids vs. the news
mags at the check outs and it's very apparent that intellectual pursuits aren't making the country tick. But that's
not a bad thing. Intellectuals alone can't accompolish a lot. Shakespeare may have been able to write decent
enough to eke out a living, but he needed the actors to pull it off. It was only a few years ago that Johnny "Neo"
Utah went on stage to recite some Shakespeare. In a literal way, connecting the practical to intellectual. But
this shouldn't be considered a dumbing down. It is, what it is. People pursue whatever it is that they need to
relax. Those that choose Bergman over Three Stooges should not look down on those disagree. I'd take
either. But I'd love to see a Bergman version of the Three Stooges.
I need to put the date here so I know when it expires. As of now, though, it's fresh. And the fact that I have so
little to say is of no concern. It doesn't stop anyone on television or radio, so why should it stop me? Okay,
besides good judgement. There has to be another reason. Oh well, enough, I need more to say then going on
about how fresh this is. But there's nothing that I find worth commenting about. If I start commenting then I
sound like I think there's only one way to think. When I think people need to focus less on absolutes, except for
the vodka of course. There are too many people convinced that they are right, on every side. Rather then listen
to what the other side has to say, they are too busy preparing their next argument and rebuttal. In business and
politics, people are too quick to find right from wrong. Holding on to a belief is something revered in this
country, and it should be, as long as that belief doesn't harm anyone. I still maintain my belief that Phantom
Menace was a good movie, with an awesome climax. But I understand there are many who disagree. Each
with their own reasons. I can quote the money it made or Lucas saying how much his kids liked Jar Jar, but
that's not going to change their mind. Politics aren't movies. Except for California. I could go on here about
respecting others opinions and such, but I'd really like to talk about movies instead. Because everyone has
their favorite movies that they've heard someone else rip apart. Some people liked the movie "Killer Tongue."
And there's nothing wrong with that. Because eventually, an audience will hopefully watch whatever coherent
syllables I can string together as an excuse for a screenplay. And then I can buy all the dirt I want. Yeah, dirt. If
you add water to dirt, you get mud. And that's where it all begins. And now you know why this page is called
Sometime before 5-19
So this is the world wide web from the other side. It's not as interesting as I'd hoped. I'm not sure exactly what I
was expecting, marching bands, a red carpet, a hug from Bill Gates, maybe a little tongue action from the
AOL stick figure. But I get nothing, except for the little bit of confirmation e-mail love that my site name was
Now I'm the proverbial dog chasing the car. Now that I've caught it, I don't know what to do with it. No, wait,
that's not a dog with a car, that's a call girl with an S.T.D. But in either case, I'm there. Wait, let me rephrase
that. Actually, let me abandon this particular analogy.
The point was that I'm writing this site, as opposed to reading it. And now that I am, I have to figure out what
exactly the content is going to be. I have grand ambitions for this site. Of course I had grand ambitions for
Bobby Bonilla. I was hoping to be at his hall of fame induction. If you don't know who that is, you get the point.
But hopefully this site will go the route of Barry Bonds (sans steroids) and actually become productive and
serviceable. Don't worry, I also do movie analogies for those who aren't sure about the sports ones, or to
alienate those who are comfortable with the sports ones. Then everyone will be uncomfortable. Because
nothing says "successful web site" like an overall feeling of queasiness. So it's kind of like cooking chili.
Rants and Ramblings